Sincerely, Future You - Life Coach Jessica McKinley Uyeno
Entrepreneurship doesn't need to be an emotional rollercoaster. In this episode of Sincerely, Future You, I share what's keeping you on the emotional rollercoaster of entrepreneurship, how to get off it, and the plan you need to become a Masterful CEO.
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Jessica McKinley 0:00
If your emotional roller coaster it looks like setting a goal and then feeling scared about what's going to happen if you don't hit it or if you tell other people and feeling the pressure to create it. That's because you don't have a thought plan. It's not a problem. It's just your work.
Jessica McKinley 0:19
Welcome to Sincerely, Future You, a podcast that helps ambitious women like you make decisions today with the future you in mind. Hi, Happsters. Welcome back. If you are watching on the video, you'll see we've got a new fancy setup in here. We took my podcast, little mini studio that was in a closet and we brought it out into the middle of my office so that you get the gorgeous view of this wallpaper. That is just my favorite. And we needed better lighting, we wanted to make sure you heard me. And bonus I'm really comfortable because I get to sit on my very comfy couch. So coming to you before we dive in, I wanted to give you an update. I'm just feeling so what's the word connected, I'm feeling very connected to you all, especially to those of you who in the future are in happening sessions because I am always having conversations with my future self as you guys know. And this week, we had our last call for the March class of happening sessions. As you're listening to this right it might have been a couple of weeks ago, but we and and by the time you're listening to this also we have the September class has already begun. And I'm sure they're rockin it can't wait to update you on all of their goals and, and progress. But in the March class, our last session, we decided to add an extra 30 minutes on and celebrate, just take a moment to pause. It's easy when you spend so much time looking to the future. And for those of you who are listening to this, you might be like me that you love to set a goal, you love to think about the future, it's important to close the loop and make sure that you take moments to pause and reflect. And I just love to celebrate any excuse to celebrate, I love it. So we added 30 minutes on so that we can just have everybody take a minute to celebrate something that they came here to get and happening sessions that they got. And I was just blown away. We were crying, everyone was clapping it was it was just a very full hearted room. And I say that. And I laugh because it's a virtual room. But some of the girls even mentioned that they felt like having this space having this virtual room, even though they've never met each other in real life, they felt like they had just a safe space to come and both talk about money and time. And things that women just really don't have the opportunity to talk about in the same way that men do. And also to come and just vent and get it out and complain and get their most unmanaged thoughts out so that they could be managed again. And they were like, Oh, it's so great to be able to do both of those things. And I agree. And I'm not going to go spend the whole episode because I really could telling you all about their celebrations. Instead, I'm going to have a few of them that haven't been on the show before on as their own episode to talk about their experience to talk about their business and to talk about, you know, what is possible within the span of six months and zooming out what they're going to do with what they've learned and how they're going to move forward because a lot of them are joining the September class again. And I want them to explain to you why if they did decide to continue on the same way that I have committed to multiple rounds of my mastermind, I there's a different result that comes from pursuing the high quality questions over and over and over again, right, you're a different person in the future and that future self is going to have different breakthroughs with the same questions. So, so good, so shout out to the March class. I'm just so proud of you guys. It was so fun to watch you fail and collect failures and get your assets back up and create new thought plans and feeling plans and action plans each month be vulnerable show tell us what you couldn't see so that you could see it. It takes being able to lean into the negative emotion in order to reap that positive emotion that everyone's looking for. If you just take it right off the bat, if you seek comfort and ease and instant gratification, what you end up reaping is the negative emotion on the back end. So, Life is 5050. As you know, none of us can escape it, which version of that 5050 Are you choosing, I work with the 5050, where we choose to put the negative emotion front, we choose to take control of our failure collection. And we go all in because we know that there is not an emotion that we can't handle. So today, let's talk about some emotions. When it comes to business, let's talk about what causes the emotional roller coaster. And this episode was inspired by a couple of clients. And actually, I did a workshop with some local women business owners in Long Island. And this came up again and again in different versions. And the question they were asking was, How can I know if my time investment will be worth it? And this, my friends is a low quality questions. The entire last 12 weeks of the podcast, we focus on high quality questions. And we focused on, we focus on what you need to ask yourself in order to seek the best results that you're looking for it send your brain on a mission to find the answers that actually will serve you. If it this one is just low quality, you should be able to see these questions by now and say is that high quality or low quality? And if you're not just start asking yourself that? And the reason this is a low quality question is because the short answer is, you can't, you cannot know whether your time investment will be worth it until you've gone through it. But you can decide, when you're attached to the results, deciding how you feel, you lose control. This looks like when you win, you're on top of the world. And when you fail, you're miserable. This is the entrepreneur roller coaster. instead decide in advance to be all in regardless, you get to do it for you. Or you get to decide not to do it, and have your back. Do it for who you become in the process. Of course, I am not saying that you shouldn't set goals set the goal. Of course, if you're someone who avoids goals, because of the pressure, I hear that a lot, I don't want to set the goal because then I feel pressure and then I just avoid it altogether. This work is also for you. If your emotional roller coaster looks like setting a goal and then feeling scared about what's going to happen if you don't hit it. Or if you tell other people and feeling the pressure to create it. That's because you don't have a thought plan. It's not a problem. It's just your work. It's pursuing the goals that bring up all of your thought errors in we need to bring them up. Because if we don't, they just live in your brain and you take action from them, and you create results that you don't want. And then you're like, See, I told you I couldn't do it. But actually you created it with your thought error. So I want to give you some examples, right? It brings up your most human tendencies, and it shows you that your particular work. For me, it wasn't until I said out loud, for example, that I wanted to commit to making my children fluent in Spanish, that I began to see all the ways that I could hit goals without spending more time on them. I saw how easy it would be for my brain to say, I don't know how to say that. I don't know that word. I'm not good enough. Spanish is my second language. It's just me. Everyone else speaks English to Calvin. Right, my first child that I began to show up differently. I was reminded when I would notice myself saying, I don't know how to say that, that I could do hard things. I would I began to deepen my practice and my resourcefulness. Mostly in asking my Alexa device, I have to whisper that she's right next to me and she might hear me start talking. But I would just be like, how do you say, you know, outlandish in Spanish, or in the beginning it was a lot of baby words like diaper, which I learned in the process. And I finally started researching and I eventually found a Spanish Immersion preschool that my son went to from the time he was two until five to back me up and support me in my efforts and I tucked my ex husband into going all in with it for him. I was proud in the process. And I felt control in control of the result of him being fluent even before I saw signs of Calvin's fluency. And here's why. I was celebrating my commitment to my thought plan, my feeling plan and my action plan.Even the most consistent Goal, goal setters only get as far as their action plan. But often the heavy lifting it shows up in your thought plan. In Episode 131, even we talked about this about adding focusing on what we want, rather than what we don't want to our thought plan, and how wrong it can go if you create a whole list of all the things that you're going to do to create, in this example, right, Calvin being fluent. But if I believe that I'm just not good enough, because I didn't start to learn Spanish until I was 21. Then of course, when snags come up, when I make a mistake, when Calvin makes a mistake, I'm going to quit, I'm going to shut down, I'm going to avoid because deep down my thought plan is focusing on what I didn't want to happen. And so I'm going to my brain is going to look for evidence of it possibly happening everywhere. I hope you're following me here, because it's really important. And I'm gonna give you some more specific examples so that you can see what this looks like in terms of the emotional roller coaster, when you are attached only to the result. So one of the things that inspired this conversation was one of my clients. Brittany, she does a lot of vendor fairs for her product. And she was asking, How do I know if I should do this specific vendor fair, in an upcoming weekend, because I have plans with my family. And I want to make sure that it's worth it. And I can never know, some of the vendor fairs. We make 1000s of dollars, and some of them barely anything. And I said, you know, what you need to the truth is, is that you can't fully know whether something's gonna be worth it, of course, do your due diligence, you know, look into all of the things that you would be for making decision about showing up to this vendor fair, right? What is, what is the turnout? What are the other vendors like, you know, what is the typical number of tickets sold for this event? Do all the that due diligence, and that might be able to make it a little bit clearer about whether it's attractive, but ultimately, the high quality question here is, is would it be worth showing up to this vendor? Fair? Could you be proud of that decision for you as a business owner, regardless of the results of this one, fair? And she was like, No, honestly, like, I would be devastated, not devastated. Like, that's the word she used. But I'd be really bummed to miss out on apple picking with my family, if I didn't make enough to even cover the vendor cost. And I said, Okay, well, then you, it sounds like you probably have your answer. And the reason this is so important is because then the new questions that come up are like, Well, then why would I ever do anything, because it's always going to be more attractive to do something with my family than it is to go and fail and make no money. If I'm assuming that that's going to happen. I said, you don't have to assume that that's going to happen, you can assume that it's going to be great. And plan for that. However, you always need to be willing for a failure to be collected. And if failures are going to be collected in this way, and that's kind of a very hit or miss part of your business, you're going to want to plan in advance how many vendor fairs next year in 2023, you want to show up to put them on your calendar, and then plan all of your leisure time outside of that, because the real problem here that I saw was a scheduling issue, which again, I told her no reason don't beat yourself up. This is a learning. This is exactly how the type of fail that I love, you collect and you're like, oh, going forward, I need to decide in advance. All of the personal time, vacations outings that I want to do with my family, and I need to decide all of the events that I'm going to be doing for work that way. I never have to make this in the moment decision and feel like I'm missing out. We're using our CEO brain to make all of our decisions in advance so that we can have our own back in the process of showing up and it doesn't feel so attached to the results. I'll give you another example. I had a nothercoach who's making almost a million dollars, right, she's making several hundreds of 1000s of dollars. And she said, I put in so much work to this launch that I did. And the applications are not coming in. And I'm just starting to feel like, ah, was it worth it. And what I saw there was that she was start was only attaching the worth of a launch the worth of the work that she was putting in to whether it worked or not. And this requires you to zoom out a little bit more to your business, because sometimes you're going to win. And sometimes it's going to be a learning opportunity. But either way, its value towards your future business, where you ultimately do get the result that you want. One launch or one vendor fair is just a blip in a one drop in the ocean, that is your valuable, amazing business in the ocean, that is your revenue that is going to exceed your wildest imaginations, if you follow this process of showing up and committing to the thought, feelings in action, and letting go of the need for the result to prove whether something was worth it or not. That's what creates the emotional roller coaster. And you could see both Brittany and Laura were experiencing it, where they were saying like, I don't feel in control of how I can feel, because worth it right is is determining, it'll be worth it. And then I'll feel so excited and proud and glad that I did it, or we won't get the result. And then I will undermine my decision to have shown up and put in the effort. No, we want to be proud of our commitment to the effort. Because putting in that effort was worth it. If you are making those decisions towards who you want to become, if you see that putting in that effort, even if you don't get the result of a win yielded many learning opportunities for you. And you can go into an evaluation, right. But this is definitely an ode to the episode, the let go, I believe it's called The Secret fifth step to the model or something like that the Lego. And we talked about that about letting go of the results after you've showed up to your plan. So go and listen to that. I'll put the link to that in the show notes as well. And finally, I'll give you an example of what it's like to have this thought frame in your daily life, which is if you're giving a gift, I don't recommend that any of you guys give a gift with the need for someone to react in order for it to feel like Oh, I'm so glad I spent that much money on it. Do you know people like this? Or is this you? Be honest with yourself beyond yourself? Are you that person that like goes above and beyond and needs to watch the person open it to react and has anyone ever not reacted to your tastes, and you're like they weren't even grateful. And you're starting to kind of feel resentful for the fact that you put in either so much effort, or so much money or whatever it was. Watch out for this because this is that same exact thought error. It's allowing the emotions, your emotions to be caught up in the results of what another person's reaction is to your gift. So I thought that that example is really so perfect to leave you guys with the rule is in your business, do not do a webinar a consult a launch a vendor fair and less. Or if you need the result for it to be worth it. Instead, go all in on doing the work for who you are becoming. It's the journey. I know so cheesy, right? But it's also focusing on the journey. That is the strategy that makes results easier to achieve. You can actually use this strategy of letting go of the need for the results happen to make the results come faster. Why? Because it neutralizes the failure. It causes you to get back up quicker. There's no fear because you are 100% in control of showing up to your plants. I'll leave you finally with a beautiful example of this working this detachment to the results you In my hamster, Stacey Perlmutter, Stacy, I know you listen to the podcast religiously. So this is a shout out to you. I am so proud of you for really clicking into this process. She used to be very wrapped up in the success of a big effort, like the launch of a mini session and whether it was going to sell out or not. She is an amazing photographer, photographer, you can look on my instagram at the photos of my wedding or photos, most recently of Mari and her newborn shoot. She is so talented. And recently she just did a launch and she sent me this message. She said, this was this week, she said Jess, I had to text you. Thanks for your coaching a year ago, I was able to put together all that I needed for my mini sessions with clarity, no stress, no second guessing myself, letting go of perfection and just making it happen. Your coaching is invaluable. Thank you over and over. And PS even after I posted the sessions, there's no stress in the process of waiting. Mentally I am so at ease with the letting go. I'm actually getting a fun vibe from it. Who would have thought that a year ago. I can't stress the importance of this. The freedom to take massive action and celebrate or even experienced calm while the results are still coming in an undetermined to beauty is the person you become in pursuit of a big goal. While measuring your success by your commitment to the process is one who always sees results. Just a few hours after I got that text from Stacey. I also got a message from a neighbor. And an hour after that I got a message from my brother's best friend's wife pulk saying that they had seen my wedding photos and followed Stacy and are now signing up. Or they had signed up for her holiday mini sessions for their her their families to do their Christmas cards. She didn't even have to buckle into the roller coaster to make it happen. What about you? Are you listening right now? Are you ready to get off the emotional roller coaster? Because it's unnecessary. You do not have to be on that ride as an entrepreneur. I promise you. What are you waiting for? Let's fucking go.
Jessica McKinley 22:32
Hey Happsters. If you want to learn more about today's topic, head over to what's happening.com forward slash podcast. That's w-h-a-t-s-h-a-p-p-y-n-i-n-g dot com slash podcast . If you're a business owner, and you're resonating with what we talked about here, what are you even doing come hang out with me over where the parties at on Instagram at what's happyning w Jess. Again that's happy. H-a-p-p-y-i-n-g and book a discovery call to see if coaching is your next best step.