No, I am not going to read your palm. No, I am not going to tell you that your moon rising is the reason that you haven’t found Mr. or Mrs. Right. This post is not a mystical theory and it’s not going to change anything about you or your partner. It WILL however, make you realize why your girlfriend maybe doesn’t give you praise when you buy her flowers. It will also explain (more…)
Do you have any fantasies? And I don’t mean the one where you’re swimming in a hot tub full of chocolate while watching a Game of Thrones marathon with your best friends Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence… although that is totally a fantasy of mine.
You know what I’m talking about. In the ABC’s of sex, these are the fantasies that come at the end of the alphabet. Now, it’s important to note that everyone has some sort of fantasy, whether it’s simply wearing something sexy or breaking out the flogger. Unfortunately, not everyone is living out their wildest fantasies, and some not even their MILDEST fantasies.
Why not? Well, It’s not because we’re all conservative prudes.
99 out of 100 times it’s because of fear. We fear:
- …being flat out rejected. “Nope, and by the way, I’ll be needing your key, you have 30 days to move out.”
- …our partner thinking we’re weird or perverted or gross. “You’re joking right? EW.”
- …our partner saying YES! Are we ready for this? “Oh, so you’re into it? You want to try that tonight? Oh yeah I actually have plans to wash my hair tonight. I forgot.”
Whether you’re newly dating, seriously commited or married, it can be scary to admit that you’re a bit of a freaky-freak in the bedroom. Still, couples that have trust and open communication (two key components of a successful relationship) should eventually be able to discuss their sexual fantasies as easily as they mull over vacation destinations.
Here are 5 tips to help you share your sexual fantasies with your partner:
1. Figure out what turns YOU on first. Take some time to do your own personal sexploration. Read some erotica, give in to watching 50 Shades, and have some “alone time”, if you will. Take note of what specifically turns you on. Is it a specific sexual act? Is it role play? Is it dirty talk? Hey, judgement free zone here. 😉
2. Do your research. When I am preparing to try something new, whether it’s learning to drive a stick shift (no pun intended) or going on an interview, I always do my research. Sex should be no different. If you want to live your happiest life in the bedroom, you need to be willing to expand your horizons. Ask your best friend about the wildest thing they’ve ever done in the sack. Be weary of where you are when you do it, but of course, GOOGLE IT. What fun fantasies are there that you haven’t even heard of yet?
3. Pick a few and rank them. I don’t mean rank as in preference but rank each one on a scale of 1-10. 1 being, “Let’s have sex in the living room instead of the bedroom.” 10 being, “Is that even legal in the US?” It’s important to figure out the level of kinkiness before you suggest it to your partner, in order to avoid the Where-the-hell-did-that-come-from-face. We’ve all gotten a little hot and bothered over 50 Shades of Grey; even if you didn’t read the book OR watch the movie, but just heard someone talk about it in the grocery store.
“Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in his vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his lips … His other hand grabs my hair and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine … My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow, erotic dance … His erection is against my belly.” (Page 78)
While the elevator fantasy might sound mellow to you, it might seem absolutely outrageous to your partner. Imagine where the fantasy would land on your scale AND your partner’s…which brings me to my next tip (I swear that pun was unintentional…).
4. Start with a fantasy that is a 1-3 on the freakiness scale. You don’t want to completely blindside your partner because they probably aren’t reading this blog post and aren’t actively exploring their own fantasies like you are. I suggest starting by bringing up a fantasy that is on the milder end of the scale. If they seem receptive, work your way up! If not, simply leave it with an “I find the thought of you/us doing that so sexy…” and wait a bit to for the idea to process before bringing it up again. OR, better yet! Ask them which personal fantasies turn them on. If this sort of conversation is altogether terrifying for you, or you simply don’t know where to start, consider this next tip.
5. Take a Fantasy Quiz and see where your desires overlap. I was recently introduced to Mojoupgrade.com where you and your partner separately answer a series of questions to determine what sexual fantasies stay on the table. The end results only reveal the fantasies that you BOTH approved and have given you a head start on your new sexploration! Brilliant!
I hope you are excited about the prospect of turning your bedroom’s primary function from z’s to o’s 😉 Be cautious and then hopefully get a little wild. Questions about how to suggest a new fantasy? Share in the comments section. Happy sexploring!
My husband may or may not be super pumped about the theme for this month. 😉 Some people think that finding love and experimenting with sex is pretty much the purpose of our twenties. I don’t necessarily disagree with those people. After all, more than HALF of Americans are married to or living with their partner by age 30. And! couple that with this statistic from my dad (a man happily married for 28 years): Your choice of spouse is the most important decision in your life as it typically determines 90% of your happiness or misery. I’m pretty sure he made that statistic up, but you get the point. It’s a big effing deal.
I think that LOVE should not be delayed until our thirties for a career, and SEX should not be a topic we sweep under the rug. If it contributes to our happiness, it’s worth really thinking about. So put on your big kid pants or some lingerie if you fancy and let’s dive in, shall we?
This month we are going to cover as many love and sex “firsts” as we can in the span of 30 days.
- How do I walk the line between constantly exploring new hookups and settling for someone who isn’t my match?
- How do I keep my priorities straight and not lose my identity during the “honeymoon phase”?
We’ll strive to bring more happiness to our current relationship.
- What is my “love language”?
- Am I a nagger? Will my partner be motivated if I let up? What should I let go and what should I bring up?
- Learn the magical power of love notes.
- Educate yo’self. Sex is not a one-way street. Let’s get educated on how our bodies work so we can give and receive greater pleasure
- Exploring fantasies
- AND SOME EXTRA FUN SURPRISES
Disclaimer: It is not my mission to promote promiscuity or pre-marital sex. BUT, I do believe that twentysomethings (age 20 through 29 alike) are adults. All adults deserve to experience sexual pleasure with whomever they feel safe and respected… or disrespected, if that’s what they’re into.